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Choice of Lesson (Bấm chuột vào ô sổ xuống bên dưới và chọn bài kiểm tra)
The conjurer was arranging a new stage trick, and on the day before its introduction he asked his young son to help him. "When I ask for a boy to come on the stage, you must come at once. But you must not do anything or say anything that will make the audience think that you know me."
The boy said he understood everything and when the conjurer asked for help, he came forward quickly and was invited on the stage. When he got there, the conjurer said: "Look at this boy! He has never seen me before, have you, my boy?"
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Hurry!" she said to the repairman, "You'll have to hide... my husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
The husband walked in and sat down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Meanwhile, the repairman was inside the TV, all squashed up, and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, then looked back at the TV set again, and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman marries a man expecting that he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
source: vnn.vn
Checking up
A boy walked into a drug store and asked permission to use the telephone. Then the following conversation took place: "Is that you, Mr Jones?" "Yes," seemed to be the answer. "Well, Mr Jones, I saw your advertisement in the morning paper the other day, and you wanted a boy. Did you get one?" "Yes," seemed to be the answer again. "Well, Mr Jones, are you satisfied with him?" The answer appeared still to be affirmative. "Well, Mr Jones, if you are not satisfied, please call me at Main 54." The boy turned and wanted to go out, when the druggist, who had overheard, remarked, "You probably wanted to get the job, didn't you?" "Oh, no, sir," answered the boy, "I'm the boy, who is already working down there. I just wanted to know whether they are satisfied with me."
source: vnn.vn
Secret
A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
source: vnn.vn
That's odd
Once there was a boy named Odd. Odd was the butt of jokes his whole life, because of his name, even though he grew up to be a successful lawyer. When Odd was old and about to die, he said, "People have been teasing me my whole life, and I don't want them doing it after I am dead, so I don't want my name printed on my tombstone." After Odd died, people saw his blank tombstone and said, "That's odd!"
source: vnn.vn
There is no doubt about it
A poor man had a parrot which could only say the words "There is no doubt about it!" Its name was Poll, and all day long it called out, "There's no doubt about it!" To every question Poll always gave the same reply.
One day its master went to the market to sell it. "Who will buy my parrot?" he cried. "Twenty pounds for my parrot!"
A man, hearing the high price that was asked, turned to the parrot and said; "Poll, are you worth twenty pounds?"
"There's no doubt about it!" was Poll's reply.
The man was so pleased with this answer that he bought the bird and carried it home.
Some time later, he was sorry for his bargain. Standing beside the parrot's cage, he said: "What a fool I was to throw away so much money!"
One day, an old gentlement was walking along a street. He saw a little boy near the door of a house. The boy was standing at the door and trying to reach the door-bell which was too high for him. The old gentlement was a kind-hearted man so he stopped to help the boy. "I will ring the bell for you," he said and pulled the bell so hard that its ringing could be heard all over the house. The little boy looked up at him and said laughing: "Now we must run away. Come on."
Before the old gentlement knew what was happening the naughty boy had disappeared round the corner of the street. The old man had to explain to the angry owner of the house why he had rung the bell.
Our new assistant, Christy 16, was in her first office job. Co-workers were giving her basic instruction as the boss stepped out of his office and the telephone rang. Christy answered professionally, but then birst out with: "He's in the toilet now."
"Oh, no," one employee whispered to her, "Say he's with a customer."
"He is in the toilet with a custmer," Christy told the caller.
source: vnn.vn
Directions
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many >years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill >in the gap of those years by telling about their >lives. Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us. "Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.
"A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The president," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver." Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible" Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
source: vnn.vn
You don't know
Teacher:Alex! If you had a five pound note and you asked your granny for another one,what would you have? Alex: Five pounds. Teacher:You don`t know your arithmetic. Alex: And you don't know my granny.....
source: vnn.vn
In stead of
It was the last day at school before Christmas when the teacher started asking all the pupils what would they like to hang on their Christmas tree. First pupil: On my Christmas tree I will hang on a big golden star. Second pupil: On my Christmas tree I will hang on my semester grades. So the teacher asked the third what he would like to hang. And so he answers: I would like to hang nothing on tree because my father says all the time that instead of my semester grades he will hang ME!!!
Jack: Mummy, can I go and play at my friend's house? Mummy: Of course, but don't cross the road until a car goes by, then you cross. So Jack went out of the house. After a few hours, Mummy waited anxiously for Jack to come home . Then she found Jack outside their house. Mummy: Why are you still here? Jack: No car has passed by yet, so I haven't crossed the road.
source: vnn.vn
Curiosity
Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye, and the inmates start wildly chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
source: vnn.vn
Satan & his brother-in-law
Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM". When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew. "Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered. The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do." Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?" "Nope." "Why not?" The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years, and this is still better than going home!"
The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any calves, and smile pleasedly when he said he did. "Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefuly divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and every thing has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, " not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, we have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle_aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. which do you want? "I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. " It was easy" said the patient, " I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. "Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. "And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
In an English-speaking country, people cannot pronounce a letter of 'P', they do 'B' instead. One day, a driver came to a restaurant. While he was looking for a space to park his car, the owner got out of the restaurant and said, 'Hey, you can bark anywhere'!!!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!". After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.
In the summer I worked for a family restarant. I usually finished at 2 a.m, and my parents expected me home immediately after. But one night, my friends pick me up after work to go to a party. I lost track of the time until, to my dismay, I saw it was 5:45 a.m. I rushed home, and as tiptoed to my besroom, I heard my mother called out, "What are you going up so early?"
"Couldn't sleep," I replied. "Thought I'd go for a run."
I went for a run, stayed up all day, went to work all night and finally got home. On my bedroom door was a note from Mom: "Carole, next time remember to mess the blankets on your bed."
An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" So the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say then "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a weak later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town, when people came into the confessional, they kept talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. The priest took an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you are laughing about, your WIFE fell three times this weak."
Sender: Mai Tay Thi
source: vnn.vn
Captain
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York.
Hung and Lan were watching a movie, in which a team of police officer were chasing after a bank robber to the edge of a very steep cliff. Hung bet on the robber not jumping off the cliff while Lan insisted the guy would. Then, bang, bang, the robber took off and was eventually rescued and carried to the hospital in a serious condition. Hung paid Lan and said: 'I have a confession to make.' 'What's that?' Lan wondered. ' I already watched the movie before.' 'Why did you still bet on him not jumping off?' 'Because I did not think he was stupid enough to hurt himself twice.'
Sender: Eric Eng
source: vnn.vn
Key to loyalty
In days of old, when knights were bold, and beauty was numerous an loyal. This particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called for one of his squires. 'I'am leaving for the crusade; here is my key to my wife's chastity belt. If in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key.' The knight set out on the dusty road, armoured from head to toe, and took one last look at his castle. As he was ready to ride off, he saw the squire rushing across the drawbridge, jelling for him 'WRONG KEY, SIR!'
A man tells his mistress that anything she wants, he could do it except shaving his beard. For he already told his wife that his beard is an indication of his loyalty to her. One day his girlfriend becomes suspicious of him being a married man. She tells him that she would not love him unless he shaves his beard. The man begs and begs without any success and finally yields to his girlfriend and has his beard shaved. That very night, he goes home feeling guilty of cheating his loyal wife and scared of having to confess his sin. He sneaks to the bed, making no noices and lying beside his wife. The wife reaches out for his face and whispers: "Darling, not today, the beardy-bustard will come home in any moment."
"Why are you crying, little man? said the old gent to a small boy. "Father chewed me out for doing a crossword puzzle." "Good gracious! Why?" "Well, sir, one clue was a word of three letters meaning what is drunk every night - and I put "dad".
source: vnn.vn
Beggar
"Why do you beg?"
"The truth is I beg to get money for booze (drink)."
"Why do you drink?"
"To give me the courage to beg".
source: vnn.vn
They're gone
St. Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when 40 people from New York City showed up. Never having seem anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, St. Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, St. Peter returned breathless and said, "They're gone!". "What?" said the God. "All of them are gone?". "No!" replied St. Peter "I'm talking about the Pearly Gates!"
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
source: vnn.vn
What does your Dad do?
Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
source: vnn.vn
A trick
The phone rings at CIA headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this CIA?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Johnathan Smith as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the CIA goons come over to Johnathan's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Johnathan Smith and leave. The phone rings at Johnathan's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the CIA come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
At a cocktail party, the hostess overheard the conversation of a handsome gentleman and his friend. "Oh, I really love her. I adore her," said the handsome gentleman. "I would love her too, if she were mine." agreed his friend. "I love the way she walks, and the way she moves, and her eyes are a beautiful brown color." "You're very lucky," said his friend. "And do you know what I like the best?" asked the gentleman. "I love the way she kisses my ear." "Sir," the hostess said, "I couldn't help listening to your lovely words. In this day of divorce, I respect a man who loves his wife so much!" "My wife?!" said the gentleman, very surprised. "I was talking about my champion racehorse!
source: vnn.vn
A deaf man
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
1. The fuel used in nuclear-powered ships is usually uranium in either the metallic ________.
2. The bank manager advised him ________ his savings into a time deposit account.
3. He bought a ________ on sale.
4. She bought ________ fruit because so many people were coming to visit.
5. Henry will not be able to attend the meeting tonight because ________.
6. The teachers have had some problems deciding ________.
7. Violence on American campuses has abated ________.
8. General Grant had General Lee ________ him at Appomattox to sign the official surrender of the Confederate forces.
9. People usually can get a sufficient amount of the calcium their bodies ________ from the food they consume.
10. Fast-food restaurants have become popular because many working people want ________
11. Small microcomputers of today can process ________ their predecessors, which were twenty times their size.
12. There were two small rooms in the beach house,________ served as a kitchen.
13. The bodies of living creatures are organized into many different systems, each of which has ________ function.
14. One's fingerprints are ________ .
15. ________ of the United States from southern New Hampshire in the north to Virginia in the south, a vast urban region has been defined as a megalopolis, that is, a cluster of cities.
16. Some plants are annuals; ________ are biennials; the rest are perennials.
17. The giraffe survives in part because it ________ the vegetation in the high branches of trees where other animals have not grazed.
18. By praying outside saloons, throwing rocks in saloon windows, and destroying saloons with her hatchet, ________.
19. Anthropologist Guy Swenson ________ that witchcraft beliefs are prevalent in societies in which social groups interact without formal mechanisms for social control.
20. When a body enters the earth's atmosphere, it travels ________.
1. Vr.Duncan does not know________the lawn vower after they had finished using it.
2. The painting ________ to the art museum last week.
3. Because she was feeling unwell, ________ to miss the examination.
4. ________ cheaper, Belinda would have bought it.
5. The most noticeable feature of African elephants ________ their large ears being quite different from the ears of Asian elephants.
6. Fred's yearly income since he changed professions has ________.
7. Although the weather in Martha's Vineyard isn't ________ to have a year round tourist season, it has become a favorite summer resort.
8. Sound comes in waves, and the higher the frequency, ________.
9. It was proposed by the new member on the committee that membership fees ________ reduced.
10. Neither Jane nor her brothers ________a consent form for tomorrow's field trip.
11. Trace minerals are ________ are elements needed in greater quantities.
12. The manager was angry because somebody ________
13. Richard Nixon had been a lawyer and ________ before he entered politics.
14. The two main ________ are permanent magnets and electromagnets.
15. There are many beautifully preserved historic buildings ________.
16. Clones, ________ , are genetically homogeneous.
17. Although research scientists had hoped that the new drug interferon ________ to be a cure for cancer, its applications now appear to be more limited.
18. ________ his life, Eugene O'Neill was regarded as the foremost American dramatist.
19. ________ born, a baby kangaroo measures less than three inches in length.
20. Electron storage rings ________ in investigations of the structure of materials.
